Purity in Words

Affection. Gimme it. Now.

So I just realized something. I've been down lately. No, that's not what I just realized. And I know that my being down has been bothering my fiance a lot and I'm sure thats the reason why he's been asking me if I still want to marry him, or if Im still happy about being engaged. Which, btw, the answer is yes to both. But I realized that I feel guilty about it. And I know why. I've always been the type of person that wants others happiness more than my own. I want others to be taken care of. So I feel guilty for finding my happiness while my friends are struggling to find theirs. I didn't realize it until yesterday. I was talking to a friend of mine and he was talking about how lonely he was but how happy he was for me. I thanked him, but it made me depressed. I know that there's nothing I can do for him, except be his friend, but it bothers me so much. There's so much more I want to say, but I don't know how to say it anymore. I just want peopl...

So, I'm getting married but the debate now is "when?" And I have no idea. My dad offered a down payment on a house if I just elope. And that's cool. Mine and my fiancees future is much more important than my "dog and pony show" as my dad puts it. And I'm okay with eloping, but I can't help but feel at a loss if I don't get my pretty wedding. I understand that a wedding ceremony is not necessary for a happy life, but I want one. Just because I don't need a fancy hd tv doesn't mean I don't want one or appreciate one. I guess its not really eloping. It's more like a small outdoor shotgun wedding. In Seattle. That's where I want it if I do it. But at this point in time, I don't know what to do. Should I take my dad up on his offer? Or should I have my pretty wedding? Which, btw, would be in winter and I hate winter. Blech. But at least it would be a proper wedding lol

I can't deny that I've been part of the grown up world for a while. Got a job, paying bills and car insurance. I even pay a mortgage. But there's something about getting married that makes being an adult more official. And I'm not afraid of that. I'm actually excited about it. Even when I sit down and think of the serious parts of marriage, I have no doubt in my mind that get through even the worst with my husband by my side. I only plan on growing up just enough to grow in my relationship with him. But something bothers me. Just one thing about married life really, seriously has me scared. Children. Actually, not so much children or parenting (and maybe this is a stupid fear) but rather pregnancy. I'm worried about that. I've always been afraid of the consequences of pregnancy out of wedlock therefore never giving any thought to pregnancy itself. Honestly, I'm not looking forward to that. It sounds unpleasant and painful. Then again, I don't...

Lately (psh, lately..... more like for my whole life) I've been feeling overwhelmingly lonely. It's annoying and I'm not sure what to do about it. Or really why I'm blogging about it. Reading helps a bit. And I've been doing a lot of that. Going through a book in two days. During work. I'm sure if I just read during my free time too I'd have them done in a day. Devouring them the way I have. One thing that I've noticed about myself (I noticed a few years ago) is that reading typically seems to upset me. I will finish the book happy, but during reading I'll either be moody or depressed. I've never figured out why. I should figure that out lol