Purity in Words

Something occurred to me last night. There was a legitimate reason why I was on antidepressants. They helped me function. It's so hard for me not to feel mildly bitter that people can take medications to better their lives when I can't. I can't take stimulants (like Concerta) because my body doesn't tolerate them. So I'm always going to exhibit ADHD symptoms. But depression does far more damage to my daily life than I ever realized. I have a hard time staying focused. On anything. Hyperfocus? Ha! Not with depression.  I'm missing text messages. I'm not playing Love Nikki anymore. I'm hardly present enough to do my job. I just hope that the two remaining people in my life don't get fed up with me. I'm already fed up with me, but I'm stuck here. Must be nice not to be me and be able to leave. Ugh. I need to give my husband far more credit. He's been doing his absolute best in this situation. I just don't know when, if ever, it will end....

I've been having a struggle lately. Work has been insanely stressful; much more than I like to admit. I've been coming off of my meds, which has made me extremely emotional. I'm a lot more forgetful than ever now. But I can get through it right? I can get through this if I have people around me. The right people, of course. A coworker is trying to manipulate me. I'm not sure if he knows it or not but I do. I can see right through that. And so I've had to shut him down. I thought we could be friends but...  Thursday was the hardest. Thursday morning..... at the start of my shift (why???) I received a text message from my best friend that he no longer wanted to be in contact with me. So I guess... I dunno... ex best friend.... That broke me. I can't help but think I'm the one who caused this. That I am the one who's inadequate. My husband, after reading the text, says he doesn't think it's me. But I can't help but ... know... that it is. I just...