Unraveling Insecurities and Strengthening Connections

I got collared yesterday. And I’m conflicted.

 

I received a couple of packages in the mail from a dear friend of mine and also an ex-boyfriend. In fact, he’s the one I referenced in my iceberg post as the one who saved me. At this point, I’m trying to figure out how much backstory to give. It’s not that I don’t want to share, it’s that it’s a lot.

 

I’ve gone through a lot. Way more than I’ve talked about. Way more than I can remember. Christopher was there when I needed him the most. I was 17 and really broken, he was 15 and still a child. It wasn’t perfect by any means, but it was what I needed at the time. I usually refer to him as Angus, and I hate calling him Chris. Angus is his middle name and I’ve called him that for years, but I feel he’s more like a Christopher to me. I guess it’s the symbolism that distinguishes the man from the child.

 

Over the last decade or so, he’s popped in and out of my life, usually at a time I need it the most. It’s weird. Well, this time, he’s never popping out. Sorry, dude. You’re stuck with me. But this is where the conflict starts.

 

He’s a man. *GASP* A happily married man. *double gasp* And I was raised that men and women can’t be friends. That it’s intrinsically impossible due to the nature of the human race. I’m not sure where I learned that. Maybe my parents. Maybe the media. But by default, just being friends with him is difficult for me. But this is a good thing. Difficult does not mean bad.

 

To say that there’s no attraction there would be a lie. And, honestly, that’s not what I struggle with at all. Honestly, to deny the fact that, as a human being, you have all sorts of feelings for all sorts of people is just… denying your very being. We are very complex creatures. Just because we are in a relationship with someone doesn’t mean we should feel bad for having feelings for someone else. And yet we do.

 

So yes, I have feelings for Christopher, but not enough to make me want to leave my husband. Like, at all. And I know the same goes for Christopher. We acknowledged the “elephant in the room” and we moved on.

 

We dabbled in the idea of polyamory, which is something my husband has been interested in for some years (well, a form of it). But… I wanted to do it right. Do it safe. And not just physically, but emotionally too. Even spiritually. And I hear you religious peeps out there starting to argue that there’s no spiritual way of doing this right. Let me finish. In the end, this story is about the collar, not how spirituality fits into intimacy and sexuality. That’s a story for another time.

 

We took it slow. So slow, in fact, that we haven’t done anything. Our spouses are first and foremost our top priority. Well, maybe just above that was my journey toward healing from trauma. We helped each other improve ourselves for our spouses. And we were trying to figure out how we fit into each other’s lives.

 

He bought me cat ears. They are hecking cute. The thing was that I was going to be his kitten, and he my master. And he would collar me. This made me happy, but I had a deeper sadness. I wanted this so very badly, but with my husband. And Christopher was dealing with his own struggles, and in the end, we decided it was best to not pursue poly. That things are best left as they are and just develop our friendship.

 

This is a struggle for me. I struggle with feeling guilty that I have a close friend that is also a man I care about. I worry that I’m going to hurt my husband’s feelings just for talking to Christopher. But this is good, for everyone. We can have a safe and wonderful and even intimate friendship without the worry that it’s going to break our marriage. And it all comes down to solid communication.

 

I’m not even sure where I’m going with this anymore. So I received two packages in the mail from Christopher yesterday. And…. I felt…. Shame opening them. I felt like I wasn’t allowed to be happy receiving gifts from another man. My ex. Someone my husband KNOWS I care about.

 

I’m afraid to talk about the collar.

 

The collar is beautiful. It just looks like a celtic knot necklace. Hopefully made of silver. My skin will tell me soon lol. When I first saw it, I didn’t realize what it was. I just thought it was a necklace and I thought it was pretty. It’s not perfect, but it’s pretty. Sorry if you’re reading this, Christopher. But honestly, I’m happy it’s not perfect. It perfectly symbolizes us, I think.

It’s tiny and discreet. The “pendant” is a lovely celtic knot, symbolizing how our lives are intertwined. They always have been. Also, it’s a trinity knot, which is straight up my jam. It’s incredibly simple and not showy. The back is just a simple clasp. And it sits perfectly in my suprasternal notch. And my favorite part about it? It will easily accommodate another collar. I want my husband to collar me. SO. BAD. I want a discreet day collar from my husband. Unf. Anyway…

 

I wasn’t going to wear it at first, but then I looked at the tag. Discreet submissive collar. It’s hard to explain, but I HAD to wear it. I felt like I would be denying myself if I didn’t. And this is why I’m conflicted. I am so afraid of how my husband feels. I’m afraid he will look at it and think that he isn’t good enough. But the thing is, it doesn’t have anything to do with him. And I mean that in the sweetest way possible.

 

As a complex human being, I have the capability of cherishing multiple things at a time. I cherish my relationship with Christopher. And I cherish the collar he gave me. I also cherish my husband and our marriage. And I know I’ll cherish the collar he gives me. This collar does not mean Christopher owns me. It does not diminish my relationship with my husband at all.

 

So then, why do I still feel shame? I think there are multiple factors involved.

 

1.       Societal norms. People tend to be weirded out over stuff like this. Being called a kitten, calling people master and getting collared. First of all, relax. Life is too short. Then there’s the whole monogamous thing. I’ll go a little extreme here and throw in the argument that the Bible says it’s wrong. Which…. No, it doesn’t. If my involvement with Christopher is a form of adultery, then my parents are really in trouble. I’m not even kidding when I said there was nothing going on. Granted, I can’t speak for other parties, but not ONCE did I consider leaving my husband for Christopher. It’s not even an option. I did not seek out affection from Christopher in lieu of my husband. We never did anything more than hug. Oh, and hold hands once. Not once were either of us unfaithful to our spouses.

2.       Past trauma. I think this is probably the most prevalent. Both my husband and I suffer from trauma related to unfaithfulness. And I don’t mean that once we were unfaithful to each other, but we both have been in relationships where unfaithfulness was present, and that’s painful. Additionally, my journey to sexual healing is relatively new compared to how long we’ve been married. I know he hurts. I know that I’ve made him feel inferior and I didn’t even mean to.

3.       My personality (and possibly more trauma). I have this deep-seated fear of disappointing people. I am so very afraid that, despite my pure intentions, my husband won’t see it as such. And that makes me feel terrible.

 

Wow, I did not plan on writing this much. I thought this was just going to be a quick little blurb about how I loved my new collar but I didn’t want my husband to feel threatened. And you know what? He probably doesn’t. We’ve had these chats before. He knows literally everything going on between Christopher and I.

 

This is just something I need to deal with. And maybe I should talk to him about how I feel. He’s still, by far, my favorite person.

 

Oh, by the way, one of the gifts in the box was Tetris Attack for SNES. And, though I could be wrong, I’m pretty sure that gift was for my husband. I couldn’t care less about that game. Lol

But I will absolutely play it with my husband and watch him destroy me over and over and over.

 

And I’ll enjoy every second of it.