The Next Chapter; Healing from Trauma
Where to start?
I made a mistake. A big one. I stopped writing. That's not to say that I never wrote. I have a journal I take with me every day. But I probably write in it every few months.
But now I'm here, 8 years later. I mean, it's been 8 years. Why now? Well, I had kind of thought about it for a while but, you know, it takes energy. And, I dunno, who want's to read my ramblings? Well, I hope that my blog is found. And that you, the person reading this, are able to find what you are looking for. I don't care if I become popular or not. I don't plan on making money on this blog. I just want to be genuine. I want to help others. And I want to heal.
See, it was today while making love to my husband that it occurred to me that I was having far fewer intrusive thoughts than usual. And I want to know why. He shaved his face today. Like, all of it. Beard and all. He has an unbelievably slappable face right now, much like how you want to slap a bare behind. It's just so soft and inviting and squooshy and adorable. *ahem* Anyway... I wonder if his beard triggers me somehow.
I thought that things would get better when we got married. I had a lot of anxiety and shame when it came to sex. I used to panic a lot. And I honestly thought that getting married would heal that.
I WAS WRONG.
A couple of years ago, I was diagnosed with Complex PTSD, among some other things that were actually misdiagnoses. The treatment and resources for PTSD (nevermind the complex variety) are disgustingly lacking. But... It occurs to me... I have the resources I need. Right here. I just need to process my trauma through writing. Or in this case, blogging for all to see.
So yeah, this blog is going to be about sex, but it's going to be far from sexy. Because sex... isn't an enjoyable experience to me. And shouldn't it be? I've just turned 34 and I still feel a lot of shame regarding sex. It shouldn't be this emotionally painful experience for me. And I know it's taken a toll on my husband.
I've been going through therapy for a few years now but I'm thinking that maybe the next step of therapy that I need is writing. How different would things be if I had just kept writing like I was told at church camp? Well, I know one thing for sure; I wouldn't be here now. On this blog, I mean. But I think this is where I should be.
You know how I've said that I think there are multiple right paths in our lives? Yeah, I read all of my posts before writing. Well, I think this is one of those right paths. I hope you'll join me in my journey to healing. Or maybe I'll do this alone. And that's okay. I'm just ready to move on.
I made a mistake. A big one. I stopped writing. That's not to say that I never wrote. I have a journal I take with me every day. But I probably write in it every few months.
But now I'm here, 8 years later. I mean, it's been 8 years. Why now? Well, I had kind of thought about it for a while but, you know, it takes energy. And, I dunno, who want's to read my ramblings? Well, I hope that my blog is found. And that you, the person reading this, are able to find what you are looking for. I don't care if I become popular or not. I don't plan on making money on this blog. I just want to be genuine. I want to help others. And I want to heal.
See, it was today while making love to my husband that it occurred to me that I was having far fewer intrusive thoughts than usual. And I want to know why. He shaved his face today. Like, all of it. Beard and all. He has an unbelievably slappable face right now, much like how you want to slap a bare behind. It's just so soft and inviting and squooshy and adorable. *ahem* Anyway... I wonder if his beard triggers me somehow.
I thought that things would get better when we got married. I had a lot of anxiety and shame when it came to sex. I used to panic a lot. And I honestly thought that getting married would heal that.
I WAS WRONG.
A couple of years ago, I was diagnosed with Complex PTSD, among some other things that were actually misdiagnoses. The treatment and resources for PTSD (nevermind the complex variety) are disgustingly lacking. But... It occurs to me... I have the resources I need. Right here. I just need to process my trauma through writing. Or in this case, blogging for all to see.
So yeah, this blog is going to be about sex, but it's going to be far from sexy. Because sex... isn't an enjoyable experience to me. And shouldn't it be? I've just turned 34 and I still feel a lot of shame regarding sex. It shouldn't be this emotionally painful experience for me. And I know it's taken a toll on my husband.
I've been going through therapy for a few years now but I'm thinking that maybe the next step of therapy that I need is writing. How different would things be if I had just kept writing like I was told at church camp? Well, I know one thing for sure; I wouldn't be here now. On this blog, I mean. But I think this is where I should be.
You know how I've said that I think there are multiple right paths in our lives? Yeah, I read all of my posts before writing. Well, I think this is one of those right paths. I hope you'll join me in my journey to healing. Or maybe I'll do this alone. And that's okay. I'm just ready to move on.
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