Frustration

So, I'm going to get out as much frustration as I can in a short amount of time.

Recently, I came to the conclusion that I very likely have ADHD-I (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, Inattentive subtype). I came to this conclusion based on the information of what ADHD is and how it coincides with my childhood and my present.

This is a good thing because now I understand who I am, and why I do the crap I do. And also, now I can take the problems of it and deal with them effectively. Also, its a bad thing for these reasons:

I was never diagnosed as a child, and if I had been, it would have saved me a lot of grief. It's not my parents fault though because, back then, it wasn't being diagnosed efficiently anyway. No one would have been able to recognize the obvious traits I was exhibiting. So now I'm dealing with the guilt and the resentment from that. I know I'll get over it, but its going to take time.

Also, I realize that getting an official diagnosis is going to take months and, even worse, a lot of money. Even with insurance. So although medication is likely a beneficial route, its not affordable at the moment.

And recently I've asked my fiance to really help me out in support and protection. Protection because he knows best when I make a personal adjustment. And I don't want to go a direction in treatment that's detrimental to me, or worse, us as a couple. But I realized that he doesn't know what ADHD is at all, and I really need him to know this so he can effectively help me, but he seems disinterested.

Lately I've felt like he doesn't really care at all. But that's unrelated. He's changed a lot in the last few months. I'm not sure I recognize him anymore. It grieves me. I wish I knew what to do. I'm sure there's something, but I don't know what it is. I don't even know what's wrong.

I feel like he's withdrawing from me. Which is a pretty terrible feeling. Actually, no, I know he's withdrawing, and I know why. I do understand he's under a lot of stress and he's taking NO time to deal with it. He has no stress management, and I wish I could help him with that. I won't be able to handle this much longer.

And its affecting his health. I don't think he sees it that way. But that's what it is.

Barely eating, barely sleeping, and not managing stress? I don't think I will have a husband. At the rate he's going, he'll probably kill himself. And I don't think there's anything I can do.

It kills me.

Why can't I be normal? And why can't he have better living skills? I wish I could give him mine. Stress management is pretty easy for me. Yeah, I slip up sometimes, but its really hard to manage my own stress when I also have to try and manage his.